Chillax, Mr. Spock

Residential real estate transactions are inherently emotional and, therefore, subject to tanking in the face of any conflict.

You may think you’re a Mr. Spock of a wheeler-dealer, but I’ve yet to see any buyer or seller operate from a place of dispassionate reasoning and logic. And even if someone does bring total detachment to a negotiation, the ill-advised insistence on keeping it “unemotional” and “reasonable” is in and of itself a real problem.

Because if anybody is bringing emotion to the situation – and everybody is – then you can’t retreat to a place of neutrality without pissing someone off. You can’t become self-righteous and “right” without pushing the “other side” away. You can’t justify anything “on principle.”

Here are four scenarios I’ve witnessed on repeat.

ONE: Seller receives what they perceive to be a “lowball” offer. They’re insulted. They’re upset. So they fail to respond in a manner that can keep the conversation going. Instead they want to punish the buyer – as if the person(s) offering to buy seller’s house deserved punishment for making an offer to buy the seller’s house. This isn’t the time to flip out unless you’re really trying NOT to sell your house.  The buyer deserves your patience and your good will in negotiating.

TWO: Something goes awry during the escrow and one party goes ballistic because “that’s not how it’s supposed to go.” The loan approval is late – for any number of reasons (like am underwriter misplaced the file). The inspection contingency removal is delayed – for any number of reasons (like the pest control inspector’s mother had to go to the emergency room). Closing has to be extended – for any number of reasons (like the title company needs buyer’s signature on a corrective document and the buyer is on a plane to Australia). None of these events are a cue to play hardball. Instead, this is the time to take a deep breath and remember that your mutual goal is to get this thing closed. Murphy’s law prevails and patience and flexibility is a necessity, not a luxury.

THREE: Seller doesn’t like the buyer’s agent, or Buyer doesn’t like the seller’s agent. Either way, someone has decided that a Realtor is to blame. The agent is a crook. The agent lied. The agent only wants to make a bigger commission. It might be that the seller’s or buyer’s own representative is doing nothing to dissuade the seller or buyer from this opinion. Bottom line is that it doesn’t matter too much whether you love the agent on the other side or not. Get over it. You have more important things to be upset about. Climate change, for instance.

FOUR: Things haven’t gone the way they “should.” Everything else on the block sold for 10% over asking except your house. Your friends were allowed to move in before closing on the new house they bought. If the seller had accepted your offer a day earlier, your loan rate would be lower. If the seller hadn’t insisted on a rentback, you’d have been ensconced in your new place before the water heater had to be replaced at your “old” place.  Sorry, but there’s no particular “way” that things “should” go. No seller is like any other. No buyer is like any other. No agent is like any other. No property is like any other.

If somebody is buying or selling real estate, then somebody is going to feel offended, anxious, suspicious, inconvenienced, unlucky, misunderstood, or deeply attached to being “right.” That’s normal. If you find yourself adrift in a sea of emotion, don’t try to swim for the island of Logic and Reason. Build a life raft out of humor, acceptance and collaboration. Nobody is the villain here. Remember the words attributed to Robin Williams: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”